old news, but wanted to give some shout outs to Mitch Hedburg who passed away this week. Some of his quotes:
I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow ****.
I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load **** into a truck.
I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.
I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall.
I was walking down the street with my friend and he said "I hear music." As if there's any other way to take it in.
2-in-1 is a bullshit term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.
This shirt is dry clean only. Which means...it's dirty.
My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on, four billion! ****. Seven. I need more dice."
I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.
I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
The thing about tennis is: no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're ****ing relentless.
I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said "**** it. Cut em up."
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."
I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said "Certainly." He said "Do I need to dial 9?" I say "Yeah. Especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick."
Someone handed me a picture and said, "This is a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger. "...Here's a picture of me when I'm older." Where'd you get that camera man?
I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get ahold of me they just say, "Mitch," and I say, "what" and turn my head slightly...
Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupis... one of those two doesn't sound right.
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Originally Posted by NoKnees
